Last summer, I found a quick & easy way to efficiently hide my lack of effort in the office. For those of you who don’t know about this… You Are Welcome. It’s a little thing called Alt + Tab. From people I have talked to, some know this and some don’t. If you hold down Alt and press the Tab button, you switch between open programs. This probably doesn’t sound groundbreaking to someone who hasn’t spent time in a serious office. To those that have, you understand. When some superior creeps up on you as your eyes are drooping, you need to switch away from Facebook as soon as possible. Scrambling frantically with the mouse and a few quick clicks are a dead giveaway that you are fucking around on the internet. Using Alt + Tab conceals how much you are wasting your time by quickly switching you to some bullshit spreadsheet that you haven’t worked on in days. In situations where you are supposed to be researching useless crap on the internet instead of reading this blog, you can use Ctrl + Tab to do virtually the same thing, just switching between webpages. Either way, these shortcuts are a must not only as I am writing this blog at work, but also to keep up appearance that you too are a hardworking, pussy intern. With my public service now completed, please understand how fucking excited I am that school is about to start again. That essentially means that the end of this horrendous summer is luckily drawing near. I have had to ask for work throughout the entire summer, sometimes just to keep me from falling asleep on the keyboard. Now that I am leaving, I ask for nothing and have been getting everyone’s bitch-work. It’s as if everyone in the office is seeing the window of their slave labor rapidly closing. My normally empty desk is now cluttered with piles and piles of busy work that I am never going to get to. And that I am never planning on getting to.
The last few weeks have been particularly shitty because of the busy work that Nose has pawned off on me. I have been updating the second quarter monthly balance sheets, income statements, and cash flows for 45 different locations of this certain company for the last eight days. Nose would not dare give me a hard time about how long it is taking me because she knows exactly how fucking miserable the task is. The other two guys want me to help them with somewhat interesting projects, but Nose’s newly appointed “Senior Associate” status means that she can tell me what to do before them. Maybe she can spend her extra $1000/year on that desperately needed rhinoplasty. All this means is that I will be "attempting" to finish this until the end of my time here. I am going to finish working on Wednesday the 13th. That day cannot come fast enough. I dare them to try and pull some last minute surprise party on me. That would be so awkward. There is no chance they haven’t seen that I already have one foot out the door. I want nothing more than to go get shitfaced with my friends for the first Wednesday all summer without having to get up in the morning.
August 13th is also exactly one month before kickoff between USC & Ohio State. Since the last few weeks have afforded me little time to prepare for the football season, this may be enough time. I forgot to mention that Wednesday 13th is the most arbitrary date ever. I have told my entire office that I am going on vacation with my family until school starts. There is no such vacation. I just thought that 10 days was a very believable length of time for a plausible vacation. My parents stopped taking me on vacations when I got my DUI. Now I have to create vacations for myself by manipulating my dad into thinking that every away football game is an amazing opportunity to play some new golf courses. Our Palm Desert house does not fall under the category of a vacation as much as he wants it to.
I am not going to bore you any further with the tragedy that has been my summer, but believe me… I will update you with my lack of compensation/job offer as soon as I am unshackled from my godforsaken cube. All awkwardness will be described with utmost detail.
The very end of this video contains the absolute best fist pump of all time...
Amazing Finish in the Mens 4x100m Relay As the US Wins Gold - video powered by Metacafe
