Hello all,

I hope that everyone’s Monday was great. Mine wasn’t.

5:40am - Alarm goes off. I sleep through it.
5:45am - 2nd Alarm sounds. My mom comes in frantic. She cannot comprehend how someone can sleep through two simultaneous alarms. A shower and a glass of OJ later, I'm off at 6:10.

If you are wondering why I had to get up so early, let me explain. My aunt and uncle needed a ride to the airport for their vacation to Hawaii. As if this dubious task of driving other people to an amazing vacation isn't bad enough, I had to continue on to work. Not to mention that my uncle picked up his son from LAX the night before, so it was unquestionably his turn.

I arrive at my office at 8 only to be greeted by a locked door. I know what you're thinking. "You had to wait outside until someone got there, that sucks." Worse. They gave me a key just for this situation, so I was able to go in. I was unaware that the office server was replaced over the weekend, so instead of spending the time alone on ESPN.com, I spent ten minutes trying to guess the temporary password I was given. No Luck. Then I have the bright idea to turn on the office TV to watch the U.S. Open Pre-game show. I turned on the TV to find it on CNN. The remote and cable box are in the locked supply room, so I cannot change the channel. FUCK.

Instead of going to sleep in my car for an hour, I decide to make it look like I am that over-eager, go-getter intern who arrives before everyone else. The next person arrives at 9:30. Of course it was no one important, just the lowly office manager. I hate that Patrick calls himself the office manager. You are a god-damned secretary… get over it. That’s the equivalent of a janitor calling himself a Custodial Engineer. Blow Me.

Everyone staggers in during the next few hours. I have my lunch planned out for around 12:30 so that I can watch the last four holes of the U.S. Open. At 12:15, the afore mentioned "snooty bull-dike wanna-be-whore but my nose is too big" associate, whom we will now refer to as simply “Nose,” frantically gives me a laundry list of due diligence requirements that need to be transposed into an Excel spreadsheet. On top of the fact that this task being completing fucking useless, since no one will ever read it, Nose then decides to go have lunch, telling me that she needs it in an hour. I am livid. Neither can this be completed in an hour, nor can I watch golf.

You might be saying to yourself, just do it while watching the office TV. The main managing director, whose name is as Indian (dot not feather) as possible, is stereotypically watching soccer... soccer. Fuck soccer. I am reduced to watching the leaderboard on from PGATour.com refresh every two minutes, having no real idea how Tiger almost got beat. Nose returns extra-perky from her lunch and proceeds to talk to one of her whore friends on the phone about some “date” she had the night before. I know that no such date occurred. The only date she could get would be more like an appointment with a plastic surgeon. If it did, I want to see the poor, ignorant bastard it was with. I decided to wait to give the spreadsheet to her in order to see how “urgent” it was. She casually asked for it from me at 3:30. She almost got a new nose right then.