The Chair

Today, I arrived at work around 9:15. I did my usual nothing until about 10:15. Nothing meaning… checking emails, G-Chatting, reading ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and preparing my Fantasy Baseball for the day. I guarantee that everyone who suffers from having to do the exact same thing every morning can relate. Everyone has their routine. That is why we pussy interns and the like need your help. Being able to read/reply to any sort of mundane piece of technology is paramount in making to graceland: the lunch break.

I have had an especially miserable morning today. Instead of happily being ignored and simply given data entry, the associates have decided to take a special interest in getting the razor that much closer to my wrist. They obviously have nothing better to do so they struggle with very feeble attempts at humor. They have taken away my normal chair and replaced it with the one you see above. I can only think of that episode of the office where Jim pops Dwight’s exercise ball with scissors in that hilarious cold opening. I never really thought this day would come, what with their empty threats of coffee runs and tales of their horrors of interning. They didn’t stop at the uncomfortable chair. They moved my mouse from my right hand to my left. With giggles and very satisfied looks upon their faces, they return to their meaningless spreadsheets. I pretend to struggle with the mouse using only my left hand in order to appease them in the hopes of them leaving me to my morbid thoughts. I never told them that I am ambidextrous. It does not matter. They figured it out when I was whizzing away, surfing the internet without hesitation. Nose asked, “How are you able to move so fast with your left hand?” She has no idea how much my left wants to demonstrate on her schnoz. Ya, I am that talented, and I am smarter than you, BITCH.